By Dr Cynthia Laureano – Clinical Psychologist
info@drcynthia.co.za
“What do you need?” a simple yet powerful question. The answer to which changes all the time, yet one that many people struggle to answer, especially parents. Being a parent of a child with barriers to learning makes the difficulty of answering this question more pronounced. The moment parents realise that their child has barriers to learning, is the moment that is engrained in their memories. One where they realise the journey from that moment on may have more difficulties and more hurdles to climb than they imagined. Some parents realise that the fantasy bubble they had developed for their own child of what career they may have had or how their life would have turned out may have burst. Parents need to mourn this loss, this dream and this hope for their child and it becomes paramount in their own growth and healing. It also enables them to learn to embrace a new journey one of sacrifice, unconditional love and faith in the unseen.
When asking parents this question, “what do you need?” seems insulting, hurtful and derogatory. There is surely no time to think of their needs to pander to that very notion. However, carer fatigue is a very true and harsh reality that tears families and marriages apart. It can destroy the very beauty of the family they are trying so hard to build and protect. Carer fatigue, plainly put is an emotional exhaustion when caring for the needs of others. It closely resembles burnout and it can lead to clinical depression if not dealt with. How does one even get to the point where you are able to answer this question of what it is that you need, sincerely?
Firstly, give yourself permission to entertain this thought, to realise that you are human and that you have dreams for yourself, your family and for your spouse and its okay. If this is too difficult to do perhaps there is someone you may need to forgive. You may need to forgive yourself, to let go of the guilt. Your child with his or her barrier to learning is as he or she should be and your grasp on guilt or anger may prevent you from being fully present with your child. You have to mourn the loss of the dream you had for your child, however, make sure that your child does not mourn the loss of a parent who is not present and who is only present with their anger and pain. In place of obsessing on what could have been? Celebrate what is, your child’s strengths, beauties and how your child is so blessed to have you as their parent who cares, loves and struggles for them, fighting each battle. Remember to celebrate the victories too, no matter how small. A willingness to bring a friend home, a hug that is given voluntarily; a homework project completed before midnight and a test passed are great milestones worth celebrating
Secondly, let your partner in. Allow your partner to be the shoulder to lean on. To voice your pain, sadness, joy and fear. In turn, be a support for your partner as he or she is hurting just as much and perhaps keeping it from you to protect you, just like you. Most importantly, let go of the blame. Throwing blame around for something you cannot change not only causes pain but it also result in alienation, loneliness and ultimate destruction of families. Being right may feel good in the interim; however, it is very lonely in the long run.
Also different children within the family will be raised differently and there may need to be additional allowances made to accommodate these barriers to learning. Educate, each family member, explain to them why certain structures are in place and that these structures are not as a result of preferential treatment but concessions. Open communication for the members of your family to discuss what it is that they need, listen, reflect and ask them to suggest a solution so that the onus is on them. This will encourage each family member to pull together instead of pulling apart.
Take off the saviour cap, you are not good at it and it is exhausting. You will make mistakes and allow yourself too. Ask for forgiveness and you will gain the respect of your family more readily than trying to carry the burden of everyone’s problems on your shoulders under the guise that you are super human.
Finally, breathe and think truly what it is that you need. Reflect and when you are ready voice it and encourage the conversation. Allow yourself to be loved by your family and to meet this need, it is not a sign of weakness. Admit it, you need it and it will surely strengthen you and it will allow you to be the parent you know you are.